The Tortoise Game…

“The hero’s journey always begins with a call.  One way or another, a guide must come to say “Look, you’re in Sleepy Land.  Wake.  Come on a trip.  There is a whole aspect of your consciousness, your being, that’s not been touched.  So you’re at home here?  Well, there’s not enough of you there.”  And so it starts…The herald or announcer of the adventure… is often dark, loathly, or terrifying, judged evil by the world…The call is to leave a certain social situation, move into your own loneliness and find the jewel, the center that’s impossible to find when you’re socially engaged… It’s a dangerous adventure, because you are moving out of the sphere of the knowledge of you and your community… If you are ready for it, then doors will open where there were no doors before, and where there would not be doors for anyone else.  And you must have courage.  It’s the call to adventure, which means there is no security, no rules… When you cross the threshold, you are passing into the dark forest, taking a plunge into the sea, embarking upon the night sea journey.”  Joseph Campbell

Cancer heralded me into this journey, deemed by most as one of the ugliest announcers of life change.  I have continually had to rework my understanding of this dis-ease and reapply my belief of its reason and purpose in my life.  I love all those that are supporting me, and do believe that one must not go through this life alone.  However, there are certain places that only fit one soul.  Right now is one of those places.  I have had to go to some incredibly dark moments, moments that were just me and the monster.  And I had to learn how to surrender or rise up or calm down or find my strength or accept.  These brutal gifts that are being shared with me aren’t for the weak of heart.  Most of the time, I want no part of them.  But after the battle has been fought and if I stayed awake for the lesson, a hard-earned jewel is added to my crown of enlightenment.  If I can’t hack it, the lesson will find its way to me again until I conquer it.

I’ve always been “an instant gratification” girl.  I like movement  and loath stagnation.  Obviously, patience isn’t a strong suit of mine.  I become itchy and perturbed if there isn’t a sign that things are flowing.  So, imagine my disappointment at the rate of my healing right now.  There are moments when the only thing I have to tally on the plus side is not feeling nauseous or getting a little bit better of a sleep.

So, the name of my game is “Tortoise.”  I can only do the next best thing.  And after that, I’ll do the next best thing.  Sometimes its taking a nap, sometimes its crying, sometimes its eating or practicing kind thoughts or watching a show about Icelandic fishermen.

My strength is coming less and less from the physical results of healing and more from an internal well of knowledge that each obstacle and hurdle are in fact there for a very specific reason.  If I try to run around them, I miss out on the beauty of their lesson.  So, instead of being frustrated, I open my eyes a little wider and trust a little harder.  And so help me God if I haven’t ended up with some pretty sick diamonds in the rough so far.  There is still a lot of rough, but I’m just taking one step at a time right now.  xx